All My Single Ladies: 2 Things You Can Do to Get a Man

Are you single? Getting older by the minute? Wondering why you haven’t met that special man? I just entered my thirties and I look around at all of the single ladies, including myself, who are looking for the secret to finding that special man; the man that will love them despite their flaws; the man who sees their potential and supports them 100% of the way; the man who surprises them with beautiful flowers every once in a while; and the man who just makes them melt with one look. Sounds like a fairytale? Yeah well, I am a hopeless romantic and I still believe that man is out there waiting for me just like I am waiting for him. Recently I’ve discovered the secret to finding him. We can all find that special man by first finding ourselves and being patient.

For some of us our late teens and twenties were probably spent catering to family, relationships, children, work or just trying to make ends meet. We never took adequate time to explore ourselves mind, body and soul; and really learn to appreciate the amazing person God has created. From our coily hair, down to our melanin skin, all the way to our feet and up through the depths of our soul; we are beautiful. Discovering our beauty comes with discovering who we are, what we like to do, where our passion lies and having a true understanding of our destiny. We can’t expect to find that special man who will see the beauty in us, if we can’t see it in ourselves.

As women of color we often get tied up with filling other people’s cup without ever replenishing our own. We put ourselves last on that long list of things to do which we never complete, thus we never get to us. Well now is the time to replenish our cup by putting more time and attention into ourselves and the things we like to do. We have to be able to make ourselves happy before we expect someone else to make us happy. Happiness should not depend on outside factors or people, it should come from within, so that no matter what happens we have control over our own happiness. They key is for us to be whole all by ourselves, so when we find that special man he will be a complement to what we already bring to the table, not a supplement. A supplement is something that’s added to reach completion but a complement is something that’s added to enhance or improve what’s already complete. We need to be our own supplement until we find our complement.

After my last situationship three years ago with my daughter’s father, I had to start from scratch and really discover who I was going to be not only for me but for my daughter. I had to put my big girl pants on, as my best friend would say, and figure it out. I was a single mother crashing at my sister’s house wondering  “what the fuck am I going to do now.” My answer wasn’t a man it was myself. I decided to focus on myself, the things that I wanted and how I was going to get there. I won’t lie for a while it was just a cycle of goals, work and parenting, until I started to burn myself out. I was working on improving my lifestyle but I wasn’t working on me. Your self-discovery journey isn’t complete if you do not include self-care in your regimen.  It’s a holistic journey that should include mind, body, soul and sanity.

As you all have heard “all work and no play makes Jane a grumpy girl.” I had just turned 28 and I was grumpy because my life centered around work and my baby, Zanai. I was either traveling from Westchester to Brooklyn for work or running around doing activities with Zanai on the weekends. As I should have been, cause God knows I had to make that shmoney and be the parent my daughter deserved; but I did began to realize I needed some “me time.”  For that moment forward, I vowed to dedicate time to myself. I began to be open to the idea of dating new guys and hanging out with my girls more often. Well my girls wanted to hang but they always flopped and let’s not even talk about the dating thing. At that point I came up with the idea to start dating myself. Sounds weird right? Bear with me it will all make sense in a second.

I was tired of getting flopped on by my friends and I was tired of going on dates with guys that I ended up dismissing for some reason or another, so instead I found myself filling my calendar with fun things I always wanted to do. I would invite my friends to come along but when they flopped I made sure I still went; so that’s where the dating myself came into play because they almost always flopped. I dated the shit out of myself and I had fun doing it. I met a bunch of cool new people along the way and I got a chance to do stuff that made me happy (see a few pictures below); me dating myself was a part of my self-discovery journey, and it still is to this very day. It has made me become more whole, fulfilled and independent. When you think about it you date men to get to know them better, so why not date yourself to get to know you better. Dating yourself doesn’t only help you learn more about yourself, it also opens up a window of opportunities and lifelong experiences. My advice is instead of looking for a man to date, date yourself for a while; I guarantee you will like what you find. And on your journey, when you least expect it that special man will find you.

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Now let’s get to the last and most crucial part, being patient. Time is flying and we are getting older with every minute. This makes some women pressed to find a man fast but I urge you to slow down and have patience.  I am complacent with where I am in life right now, single. I would like a partner that complements me but I know that will come in due time. Remember the story of the tortes and the hare? The moral of the story was slow and steady wins the race. You don’t have to be quick to jump at any ole man that comes your way because you feel lonely or need someone. It’s best you take your time and find the right person who has the values and foundation to withhold a strong long-lasting relationship. It is good to take your time but it only works if you also seize opportunity and be open to new things/people. By dating yourself you are doing just that. You are opening the door to meeting like-minded men who enjoy some of the same things you do.

At this time I would like to acknowledge that the title of this blog post is a little deceiving. It would seem as if I am providing a quick fix to find a man but there really are no quick fixes. We read books like The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider or Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man by Steve Harvey, but I personally do not think that is the answer. The answer isn’t following a laundry list of rules that are out of your character or personality. The answer is being your authentic self and being patient. When you do that you exude the confidence, joy and happiness that will ultimately attract the man that is right for you. I’m not talking about the man you think is right for you but later you find out he is not. I’m talking about attracting the man God has made for you. The one who complements everything you have to offer; beauty, brains and drive. My advice is by far no kind of quick fix, it’s actually a long fix but that’s the “self-love” mind-set I speak about on my blog; long term thinking. Sometimes we want short-term gratification but long-term results and it doesn’t work that way. Take your time sis.

Below are a few tips you can use to get to know yourself better and practice dating yourself:

Make a bucket list

I am always down to do fun activities. Every time I come across something that looks interesting I put it on my bucket list and later transfer it to my personal calendar. When I put activities on my calendar I usually pay for it right away because it makes me feel locked in. I am not one to waste money so I know I will go if I paid for it in advance. As I do the activities, I cross them off of my bucket list and try to add a new one. My list is like a revolving door, when I complete one activity it’s always another to add.

Get up and get out!

I stay active! The weekend is my time to do the activities on my bucket list. I like to setup at least two activities per month, but sometimes it is more. My schedule fills up quick so I always tell my friends if they want to do something tell me ahead of time. Most times when I set-up my activities I will invite my friends and/or sisters but if none of them can make it I still go. It is okay to date yourself! And you know what? 9 times out of 10 you will end up meeting someone new during the activity, so you will be good either way. I remember when I went to the gun range, I was alone and I meet this couple there. They were really cool! We talked, took each other’s pictures and laughed most of the time. Dating yourself opens the doors to new experiences and new people (hint hint: new people maybe a new man).

Self-care is the best care

Once again, we have a habit of overlooking ourselves but we need to set time aside to do the things we enjoy. Whether it’s the gym to workout, the studio to do yoga or a spa to get a massage you need your “you time.” Your personal time is how you replenish your cup so you are able to give to your relationship, family and job. Make sure you keep your cup filled!

Say YES

In The Year of the Yes by Shonda Rhimes, she talks about seizing opportunities by saying YES to everything. We even find times when we have to say yes to saying “no” to the things and people that are toxic. Make sure you make it a habit to say yes so you can face your fears and learn how to love yourself unconditionally. And eventually, you will say yes to the man that loves you just as much as you love yourself.

Follow your dream

If you have a passion to do something, take the chance and do it. Most times we are afraid of failing or letting other people down. If you never try you will never know; you just might surprise yourself. And need not worry about anyone’s opinion because it’s your life and you should live it by following your dream. Now I am not saying be completely reckless to follow your dreams. You have to plan and strategize an execution plan that that works for you.  There’s one goal but many ways to get there. Find the way that best suits you. Lastly, it is always good to find a mentor who can drop those jewels that keep you motivated and focused. And girl, it’s okay to have more than one mentor. I have a lot of older women in my life who are phenomenal and they always guide me in the right direction. I consider all of them my mentors.