My mother, Debra Brown, ascended into heaven on January, 8th 2023. When I was a young warthog (Pumbaa’s voice), my mother used to call me Simba. She always told me the story about how she called me Simba by mistake in public one day and an older lady overheard her. The lady looked at my mom and smiled with endearment. My mother felt as if this woman understood exactly why she walked around calling me Simba; God knows I didn’t. I was stuck on the fact that she called me the boy cub, Simba; and not the girl cub, Nala. To her, it didn’t matter because I was her baby, the last of six children. She loved and protected me, just like Mufasa did Simba. Now years later, I’m left in this world trying to figure out how to cope with the loss of a parent, just like Simba did when Mufasa died. It is really tough when you lose someone close to you. You just want to get lost in the jungle and sing hakuna matata for the rest of your days but that is not realistic. In real life, we have to find healthy ways to deal with our grief and continue living a full life. Over the past couple of months I’ve gotten advice on how to do that. Some of it stuck and some I just came up with along the way. As we near Mother’s day I wanted to share some advice that I pray will give hope to those who have lost someone close to them.
The first piece of advice I would like to share is to ”be proactive.” I always use this term when it comes to business and accomplishing goals, but I never looked at it in the context of building relationships with my loved ones. Be proactive by doing and saying the things that are in your heart before it’s too late. I always wanted to take my mother to see the Lion King on Broadway because she used to call me Simba. I figured it would be a cute gesture. For years, I wanted to take her and Zanai, my daughter, but it was just too damn expensive for three tickets. Over the last few years, I was able to afford it, but my mother’s health wouldn’t allow it. She always declined the offer because she didn’t feel well enough to take a trip to the city.
After many attempts I finally let it go, but last year I saw a Disney commercial that really touched my heart (A Multigenerational Tale). It showed the experience of two black girls going to see the Lion King on Broadway with their mothers. At the end of the commercial, you realize that the first little girl has grown up and is the mother of the second little girl, taking her to see the show. I felt like the commercial was a sign to try harder to make it happen. That was November of 2022, and unfortunately, shortly after seeing the commercial my mother was hospitalized, never to come home again. I urge all of you to do the things you want to do with your loved ones while they are still here. We often put things off, but it is wise to be proactive in your relationships. Tomorrow isn’t promised and you never want to feel like “I would’ve”, “should’ve”, or “could’ve.”
Even though I never got the chance to take my mother to see the Lion King on Broadway, I plan to take my daughter this year. This leads me to my next point, “create and pass down traditions that you did or wanted to do with your loved one who passed.” This keeps their memory alive and it’s a way to honor that person in a positive way. I may not have been able to see the show with my mother, but I will still see it with my daughter, and hope she sees it with hers and so on. Carrying on traditions is nostalgic and a great way to harp on the happiness a person left behind. Even though they are not physically here, a piece of them gets passed down from generation to generation.
Some of the best advice that I have gotten during this time of loss is to pray. I didn’t list this first but it is the first and most important thing you could do. At my mother’s funeral, the pastor said something interesting. He said, “people don’t know God because someone told them about him, people don’t know God because they physically saw him, but people know God because they have felt him in their life.” This is a time you have to open yourself up, so you can feel God move in your life. It may seem tragic now, but trust and believe God will not let you down. I know this because I’ve been through some tough times in my past and I felt him in my soul. He literally lifted me up out of my situation and created opportunities that I felt were impossible or too difficult to obtain. It was like I had a shield around me; his arms. I know that in this time of loss, God will do the same for you and me. Sometimes we get stuck in the thing that has hurt us and we forget to drop to our knees, pray and do our part. In time, you will see the thing God is doing in your life. Healing may not come overnight but in time he will bring peace to your soul. Be patient and accept it when it comes.
My last piece of advice is to protect your mental health. It is easy to slip into depression when you have lost someone close to you. This is not the time to keep to yourself and sulk. Yes, you have to mourn and everyone will do that in their own way and in their own time. It’s a thin line between mourning and slipping into depression. This is the time to be comforted by family and friends. You can also seek therapy; having a professional to talk to can help you. “We do not need therapy” is a stigma that is slowly fading in our community. It is great that we are finally understanding that therapy is not a bad thing (check out my post on mental health Don’t Call Me Crazy: Mental Health in the Black Community). Therapy is beneficial for all people, especially people of color who have faced unique racial and generational issues. I’ve always promoted therapy but have procrastinated when it was time to find a therapist. Not because I didn’t think I needed it, but because I was too lazy and busy to put the time into finding one. One of my New Year’s resolutions was to find a therapist. It was on the top of my list especially after my mother passed. I started therapy back in February. I must say it has been very helpful. I strongly believe going to therapy has helped me protect my mental health during this difficult time.
I started this post with the Lion king, so I will end with the Lion King. The writers at Disney knew what they were doing when they made the theme of the movie “the circle of life.” We never think about it, but life is about living, making an impact, and eventually dying. It is inevitable. The question is what will you do when you lose someone close to you? It is best to be proactive in your relationships with your loved ones before it’s too late. You honor the people that pass by carrying on their tradition, even if you did not get to start it with them. You get on your knees and pray, so you can feel God moving in your life. Random fun fact: Did you know that many studies have shown that people with a strong faith base are more resilient? Lastly, you protect your mental health and be open to seeing a therapist.
Really and truly, there is nothing that I can say to make losing a loved one easy but I hope the tips in this blog post could help you move in the right direction. They have helped me and I hope they will help you too. If you have lost a loved one and have additional advice you would like to share with me and others, please leave them in the comments below. I would love to get more advice and I am sure my readers will as well. In addition, below are some resource links you may find helpful.
Therapy
Therapy for black girls website and podcast
Therapy for Black Girls is an online space dedicated to encouraging the mental wellness of Black women and girls. The site also includes the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast which is a weekly chat about all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
Therapy for Black Men
TherapyForBlackMen.org was born from the idea that Black men and boys face unique challenges and stigmatization, and therefore need a dedicated space for seeking and finding mental health support they need and deserve.
Dr. Nyasha Grayman
On her site she provides private, compassionate, and culturally responsive grief therapy to Black women struggling with the death of a loved one days, weeks, months, or years after their loss.
Grieving Devotionals/Scriptures
Bible.com
21 Day Plan for Grieving Hearts
365 Days of Prayer for Grief and Loss
www.amazon.com/365-Days-Prayer-Grief-Loss
Guidepost.org
Grief Camp for Youth
Camp Erin
Camp Erin is the largest national bereavement program for youth who are grieving the death of a significant person in their lives. Children and teens ages 6 to 17 attend a weekend camp experience that combines grief education and emotional support with fun, traditional camp activities.
Camp Good Grief
Camp Good Grief’s mission is to bring children and teens who are grieving together in a caring and supportive environment. They want to help kids acquire the language needed to express the confusing feelings associated with grief and bereavement as they begin the ongoing process of integrating their loss into everyday life.