Protect Our Children: Child Abuse

Recently there have been several talks about sexual assaults against children and teens. We are seeing it happen in places we expect our children to be safe like school, church and even in our own home. I turn on the news and I see stories about a pastor having sex with his little girl, boyfriends going to jail for sexually abusing their girlfriend’s daughter and priests in the Catholic Church touching little boys. My heart goes out to the children because these horrific experiences can be extremely damaging to their development. They are often too young to know or understand what is happening, which makes it difficult for them to get the help they need.

This scares me especially because I have a 5 year-old daughter. I can’t imagine what I would do if someone sexually abused her. We bring our children into this world and we vow to protect them from monsters. Monsters that can snatch their innocence away in a few seconds. Monsters that can look like family, friends, teachers, pastors or priests. As parents, we often wonder what steps we can take to protect our children from these monsters? How can we keep them safe?

This world is full of evil and there’s no fool proof way of protecting your children but there are measures you can take that can reduce the possibility of your child falling victim to the monsters of the world. I have only been a mother for 5 years but I already started to engage my daughter in what I call “safety talks.” Safety talks are conversations where we discuss body awareness, personal space and good/bad touches. We’ve been having these conversations sporadically since she started potty training.  I plan to continue these talks in different depths throughout her developing years. Below is advice for safety talks and measures you should share with your child during various stages of their life. Safety talks are not a one and done thing, you should have them continuously and in different depths depending on your child’s age. Some of the tips repeat throughout the stages because it is a continuous point that you need to constantly reiterate; repetition results in absorption.

Baby – Preschool (approx. 2-5 years old)

Identify private parts early

Parents should talk about private body part identification at an early age. When children know how to identify their body parts, they may find it easier to ask questions and express serious concerns. My daughter, Zanai, started to talk in full sentences around one and a half, so I started the private part talk early. Every child is different but you should definitely start to discuss private parts when your child learns to speak. You can use potty training time to introduce private part identification. Be sure to use the proper name or nicknames that are close to the actual word. For example Zanai calls her vagina; jina. Not only is it important for them to know the name of their private parts but it is also important for them to feel comfortable saying it. Be very careful of your response when your child says the word. Do not make it a joke or shaming thing because that can make your child reluctant to say it out loud.

Teach your child body boundaries

Tell your child that their private parts are called private because they are not for anyone else to see or touch. Tell your child that no one should touch their private parts and that no one should ask them to touch somebody else’s private parts. Remember, sexual abuse can begin with the perpetrator asking the child to touch them or someone else. It is important to explain to your child that mommy and daddy can see them naked to help them with bath time, clothing and potty time; but no one else should see them without clothes on.  The only person outside of mommy and daddy that can possibly see them naked is the doctor and during those times mommy and/or daddy will be present. This may vary household to household, grandmother may be hands on in the caring of your children, in which they too will see your child in the nude. No matter the dynamic of your family you should keep the number of people who interact with your child, on the level of helping them use the bathroom or giving them a bath, at a minimum.

Secret Touches

Most perpetrators will persuade a child from reporting the sexual abuse by making it seem playful or like a cool secret. Make it clear to your child that it is not okay to keep body secrets. If someone ask them to keep a body secret they must tell you immediately. Predators can also try to keep the child from reporting the abuse by threatening to harm someone. Reassure your child that no one will harm them or anyone they love, if they report the threat to you or another adult. Emphasize that they can always talk to you, especially if they’ve been told to keep a secret. Be a safe place for your child to share information about things that they have questions about or that make them uncomfortable. Remind them they won’t be punished for sharing this information with you.

“Just Say No”

It’s important for you to teach your child that their body is theirs and they can say “no” to anyone who tries to touch their private parts, whether that is mom, dad, aunt, uncle, teacher… We often raise children to be obedient especially to adults. This can give the child the message that anything an adult does is right and you don’t question it or deny it. While we do want our children to be able to follow directions, we also want them to have their own mind and make rational judgement calls. If it involves body parts and it makes them feel uncomfortable, it may be inappropriate. I personally think it’s important for children to learn to use the potty as early as possible. If they are in childcare or summer camp its less likely a teacher or counselor would have to help them in the bathroom. Again, the goal is for your child to have the least amount of private interactions with adults.

Monitor your child

Monitor your child and who they are with from when they pop out of your vagina. I was blessed to be able to stay home with my daughter for a full year before she had to attend daycare. I practice leaving her with no one other than female family members that I trust and I can count them on one hand; my mom and two sisters. That was a boring year for me socially but I knew she was safe. My greatest fear was if something was to happen and she couldn’t speak to express herself. When daycare time approached I did research, I got referrals, I did interviews, and school tours. After a while I finally found a place I was comfortable with and I stuck with them until pre-k.  I made it a point to be present, I knew all the teachers and parents. It was very time consuming getting to know everyone but it gave me a piece of mind. I attended all playdates and while I socialized with the parents, I always had one eye and one ear on my baby. Multi-tasking became my best supermom power.

Pre-school to grade school (5 -10 years old)

Secret Touches

At this point you should have had this talk several times with your child. In this stage, they are older and could understand more, therefore you should have a more in-depth talk about good touches and bad touches. Bad touches are when another child and/or adult touch them in a private area. Explain that no one should touch them in private areas such as vagina, butt or chest. Instruct them to yell no and tell the nearest adult what happened. They should also tell you immediately, even if it is a friend or family member who is trying to touch them inappropriately.

Reassure them if someone threatens their life or tries to make them keep a body secret, they are to tell you immediately. I periodically will ask my daughter if someone tried to touch any of her private areas during bath time. I follow-up with the question “what would you do if someone did?” Her response is always “tell mommy.” You want to make sure your child understands that there are no secrets and they should tell you everything especially if it relates to bad touches. This is important because they are getting older and they have more people in their care such as family members, teachers, after school counselors and camp counselors.

Personal space

At this age, your child begins grade school and they should understand the concept of personal space. My daughter is very affectionate so when she started school she wanted to kiss and hug her classmates and teachers. I took this opportunity to teach her about personal space. I explained that everyone needs their personal space and if a child or adult is in her space and it makes her feel uncomfortable she should say something. This is a form of boundaries they should understand so they can easily identify when someone is being inappropriate.

Teach your child how to get out of scary or uncomfortable situations.

Sexual assault usually happens when you child is in the care of another person. It is a good idea to come up with a code word/phrase your child can say when you call to check on them or if they call you. The code word/phrase lets you know something bad is happening and they want you to come pick them up. The code word/phrase should be something easy to remember and not so obvious. A good code phrase could be “I want cookies.” Stress the fact that a code word/phrase is not a game and they should only use it in emergency situations where they feel unsafe. Don’t limit code word/phrase to only be used when they are with a sitter, the code word/phrase can be used at any time; at home, when there are guests in the house, when they are on a play date or at a sleepover.

 “Playing house”

Everyone had a moment during their childhood when they played house. House is a game that young children often use as an opportunity to get free feels with the opposite sex. Now this may be outdated because kids now a days like to play video games and watch youtube, but if you hear a child say we’re just “playing house” stop them. Adults are not the only predators when it comes to sexual assault, sometimes the predator can be another child who is trying to explore with your child.

Make time to listen

If your child comes to you with something they feel is important, show them that you take it serious and are willing to listen without reacting negatively. If you take their concerns and brush it off or give them a negative reaction they may be reluctant to come to you if they actually experience sexual assault. Communication is important in a parent child relationship.  

Middle School & High School (11-18 years old)

Sexual Assault

Now that they are entering that pre-teen/teenager stage it is important to be straight up with them and really explain what sexual assault is. Previously you just showed them ways to protect themselves, now you get to explain why they need to protect themselves. Explain to them the different types of sexual assault such as rape and trafficking. You can use awareness months (January/ human trafficking & April/Sexual assault) to inform them about statistics around those issues and even get them involved in initiatives. Sexual assault happens more than what is reported. It is important to spread awareness so victims can feel empowered to share their stories. Your child may have been sexually assaulted and never disclosed that information to anyone or they may know someone who has been keeping their sexual assault a secret, either way it is important for them to be educated on the topic.

Tricks are for kids

Some predators use tricks or bribes to interest children into trying inappropriate things. They may promise a gift, money or even allow them to do forbidden privileges. You have to teach your child that these tricks can be really tempting but they should always refuse and inform you if anyone tries to bribe them, touch them or make them feel uncomfortable.

Involve other adults

During this age, your children may start feeling shy when it comes to telling you things. You may not be “cool” enough or they may think you just won’t understand. If they aren’t talking to you they have to talk to someone, like an older brother, sister, aunt, uncle or cousin. Help your children realize that there are other adults who can help them if they don’t want to talk to you. It is important that your child feels comfortable talking too someone in the event they experience sexual assault or any other traumatic experience.

Closing

The advice in this post is to make you think about different ways you can help protect your child from sexual assault. It involves a lot of warning and a lot of repetition. It is important that you incorporate these factors without being overwhelming or scaring your child. Use your judgment as to when and where to have these safety talks with your child. It is good information that may prevent your child from being a victim. If you know any child that has been sexual assaulted please use the resources below to seek help for them.

Resources:

New York State Child Abuse Hotline

Accepts calls 24/7 from mandated reporters and the public of suspected child abuse, neglect or maltreatment.

Number: 1-800-342-3720

Mount Sini Parent & Child Trauma Family Program

This research program helps kids and families cope with sexual abuse through cognitive-behavioral therapy. The four-month program involves girls and their non-offending parent and offers in-depth education about abuse, coping and safety skills in addition to treatment. Evaluation and treatment free of charge. Girls aged 11-14 who have experienced sexual abuse are eligible.

Number:(212) 659-8698

Website: www.mountsinai.org/patient-care/service-areas/psychiatry/areas-of-care/child-psychiatry/cafs-programs

Prevent Child Abuse New York

A statewide nonprofit organization dedicated to preventing child abuse. Information in English and Spanish on parenting, discipline, safety and preventing abuse. 24-hour prevention and parent helpline.

Number: 1-800-342-7472
Website: www.preventchildabuseny.org

Safe Horizon

Safe Horizon is the nation’s leading victim assistance organization. Our mission is to provide support, prevent violence, and promote justice for victims of crime and abuse, their families and communities.

​Number: 1-800-621-4673

Website: www.safehorizon.org

RAINN

RAINN is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization and leading authority on sexual violence. Our team works together to provide best-in-class services for survivors.

Number: 1-800-656-4673

Website: www.rainn.org

NYS Children’s Alliance

NYSCA serves as a unified voice advocating in the best interest of our membership at the local, state and national level on matters related to child abuse and childhood trauma.

Number: (585)402-8086

Website: www.nyschildrensalliance.org